It’s been a difficult, but illuminating, week for me. I began to lose the faith. As I
celebrated my 100th pound gone, I was overtaken by an overwhelming feeling of depression. If you have been following me, I experienced a similar depression after the loss of my 75th pound. Back then, I concluded that I was experiencing discouragement due to the fact that the man in the mirror looked the same. Unless I utilized before and after pictures, I was unable to see the results of losing 75 pounds. While I believe that was somewhat accurate for my point in the journey, I believe that I missed a much larger issue and I was faced to confront it this week.
Way too many non-tracked meals were consumed this week and I found myself fully smoking again as I trudged deeper and deeper into the darkness of depression. While I should be experiencing joy and celebration, I was feeling isolated and alone. Failure overshadowed the very tangible experience of success that I was having. Unfortunately, for the first part of the week, I didn’t even question it. I just went along with the FEELINGS that were clouding my mind.
It wasn’t until I had a few walks alone that I began to do some serious reflection and begin to ask the MOST IMPORTANT question: WHY? Why am I feeling this way in the face of such incredible success? I wish I could say that this time of much-needed reflection was triggered by knowledge and education of psychology, but I can’t. My saving grace came to me through a song: You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music. I had heard the song before, but never really HEARD the song until the lyrics penetrated my spirit and the fact that I was identifying with the song made me listen to it on repeat for the rest of my walk.
It was on the second day of walking to this song that I began to ask what parts of the song struck me so strongly and why the song was speaking to me so powerfully. The first part that stuck out was the chorus:
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a wayYou make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
So, why? Why were these lyrics striking a chord with me so strongly? I FEEL UNLOVEABLE! I FEEL UNWORTHY! Wait… I thought I conquered these demons when I began this journey! I thought that my overcoming these demons was the very thing that had empowered my success?! So why in the world am I relating to these lyrics now after I have made SO MUCH PROGRESS?!
It was then that I began to realize that I, despite my training, silently thought that I would begin to experience a renewed mindset… a new self-esteem… a new view of myself… if I were to lose the weight and become the type of person that I have always wanted to be. I would become NORMAL! These subconscious thoughts were based on an idea that my weight causes my mental issues and that getting rid of the weight would cause some sort of revolution in my mind and I would be a happier person with a totally different mindset.
With each passing goal, with each passing day, I am physically becoming the man that I want to be. I see me growing and changing and have NO REASON to not believe that this change will only continue. However, my mental me… the REAL me… is the same. Unchanged.
I’ve known for several days I would HAVE to post about this because I KNOW there will be others that must hear this: LOSING WEIGHT WON’T MAKE US HAPPIER. LOSING WEIGHT WILL NOT SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS. If I continued to allow this subconscious expectation to persist, the discouragement would lead to the unraveling of everything else as I would be forced to resign myself to the fact that I am somehow CURSED and nothing I do will change that.
But NOTHING could be further from the truth!
the most difficult part of this change. I feel myself growing and I feel myself changing… I’ve even posted about it. If I my mind were an overgrown plot of land, I have been hacking away at overgrowth and vines for months. There’s no way that my mindset has remained unchanged. However, this week, I found a ROOT by finding that subconscious expectation. Now, I have to deal with that root. When the root is gone, the plant is gone. If the root were to remain, the full plant could come back in time.In my work, I often work with juveniles that have sexually offended. I ALWAYS have to teach them that treatment is NOT a process that makes the temptation or thoughts go away. Treatment is learning how to control thoughts and behaviors and LIVE the life they need to live ON PURPOSE. By living a life of control, they can become people of integrity and character rather than allowing themselves to become a sexual predator. It is their choices and behaviors that define them… not the poison that was introduced to their lives through past experiences that introduced the sexual crap to their lives that now strongly impacts their thoughts and behaviors.
Now, I am having to learn that, too. By learning to control my thoughts and my behaviors, I am choosing to live a life that is DIFFERENT from the person that I have always thought myself to be! This process is NOT A CURE! I cannot be CURED from being me!
Even as I write this, I feel as if I am revisiting a topic that I have already discussed so many times. However, I hope this serves to show others that THIS IS A PROCESS! We become who we are over time. Throughout the years, we forge our identities and the ways that we view ourselves. It takes TIME and HARD WORK for those identities to change, but the physical state of our bodies are but a symptom of the mental issues that exist; not a cause. As we move through this process, we MUST address the mental issues that have existed and allowed for the symptom of our weight to get so far out of control. It is IMPERATIVE that we not confuse the process.
Does this fix it? Am I back on solid ground? Not entirely. There have been, and may always be, times that I am unable to see the truth through the cloudiness and fog of my imperfect brain. However, I have reached out to my spouse and a few select friends. These people are my Truth Keepers. During times where I can’t see the truth through my fog,
they are the ones that light the way back to truth and keep it safe during those times that I forget it. It will take time and persistence before the lies that plagued my reality have less control in my mind. Until now, my mind has been their kingdom… their breeding ground. It has been in my mind that these lies have bred themselves and taken such a stronghold that they crippled my life and pushed me to the edge of disability. Today, I am purposefully embracing the journey of taking control back from these lies. This won’t be an easy process, but We CAN do this! We CAN win! We CAN live our lives on purpose!
For now, though, it’s back to taking my life back…
- September 11, 2016: 450+pounds
- Today: 348.6 pounds
- Total loss 101.4 pounds (37.9% of my total excess body weight)
Find me on social media:
- Facebook @250pounds2forever
We have some very good news to share this week! We have been excited by the fact that my wife’s plateau has finally given a little bit and she officially lost her 50th pound. This accomplishment has been just out of reach for almost two months, so to see the scale FINALLY reflect a number that shows her progress has been exhilarating. We have both experienced frustration as she has struggled so long without losing anything on the scale. However, she struggled with temptations to give up on the changes we have made as it felt like her efforts have been in vain and she has been depriving herself of her favorite foods for no reason.
passed my fourth 25-pound goal! Today is day 171 of our journey towards improved health and, in less than six months, I have seen 100 pounds melt away!! I thought that I would cry when I reached this point, but that is not what I am feeling. I want to skip my adult responsibilities and CELEBRATE!!! I want to go play pool, head to a casino, watch a movie, or just see the people I love.
unbalanced and, to be honest, a little unnerving. As a person that has ALWAYS struggled with social situations, I found myself extremely uncomfortable to know that REAL people have access to all of my weakness, my vulnerabilities, and struggles, and I may meet them at any point in my day.
local people will find this site and they may know quite a bit about me before I ever open my mouth. If that is the cost, though, of reaching and inspiring more people, then I consider it a very small price to pay.
on a two-hour walk in shorts DURING THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY!!!! There are so many ways that I could view this weekend and I’ve probably viewed it from each of the different angles as the weekend progressed. As I have shared before, it is one’s mindset that creates the most significant impact upon how that individual proceeds into their future.
It also put me into an active neighborhood during the time that people are waking up and having their morning smoke.
his life that have come with losing weight. However, I may also be a human that enjoys a night on the town filled with choices that I don’t regularly make anymore. To me, it seems like a very dangerous place to walk. Maybe that is why so many fail at losing weight. Maybe it is safer and more effective to live one way or the other. I don’t have any answers, but I want to be me and I want to be free to make choices for myself without experiencing pressure that I am letting myself or anyone else down.
life makeover. Honestly, I have shut off some of my coping skills and have yet to find enough replacement coping skills to help me regulate everyday life without feeling tempted to return to old patterns. Well, today was no different. As I walked, I became discouraged about the endeavors that I have been making. Somewhere along the past few months, I internally started to feel silly about my blogging efforts. These thoughts came to life as my internal dialogue took on a relatively negative tone.
then stops, turns around and says, “As hard as it is, you’re really gonna make it. We’re rooting for you. You’re never gonna believe it, but we root for you every time you walk by!” Stunned, I think I said, “Thank you,” but I can’t be sure.
Good Lord, I can’t get enough of these beautiful weekends! I relish every minute outside in these absolutely gorgeous Spring… er… Winter days. I can’t even believe how that sentence needs to be typed. It’s WINTER and the temperatures got into the 80s yesterday! I would love to have a situation where I worked two days of the week and had the other five days off (and make the same paycheck… or more… of course!). I simply can’t get enough time to spend outside doing what I love the most: exploring nature and getting healthy!
led them to the jogging/running lifestyle! Given the content of my last blog post, you can bet your prized goat that I wanted to talk to them about SHOES and, boy, I found my way to the right people!
First, we went to Lake Springfield and hiked around the park for at least two hours. We may not have walked very far (three miles), but we did a lot of off-road hiking and A LOT of steep, large hills. The change up was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time! Our neighborhood has slight hills, but we can also choose how to take the worst ones. However, at the park, there was no foreknowledge of what was coming or how to take it… we just went. I was blown away at how far my body has come. I wasn’t nearly anything close to fast, but I did it without dying or having to stop for a break. I felt so empowered.
overcome with similar feelings of embarrassment and shame. We were daunted and, honestly, believed that we would be laughed out of the store by the people that really should be in there. So, as I walked to the building, I decided that I was going to document our journey. This blog has been started by a man that knows very little about what he is doing and I have been learning in front of you readers from the moment I launched the site. If I feel daunted and silly going into a store targeting runners, I know others that find their way here will experience those feelings, too!
had ever been in a shoe store where there were NO boxes of shoes on the showroom floor! While we were there, our sales agent evaluated our feet, examined our stride and detailed how a shoe needs to fit our feet to meet our specific needs! After this very invasive feet interaction, she began retrieving specific shoes that met the criteria we had discussed. She accepted our feedback and retrieved items we requested, but both of us ended up going with the recommendation from our salesman as they truly felt the best on our fe
et! It was a new and empowering experience as our sales agent educated us about the characteristics of a walking shoe that will meet our needs and improve our walking experience. Our sales lady was so observant that she confirmed something I had began suspecting, but never had evaluated, for a few years – I have one leg that is shorter than the other! She also found out I have been wearing a size 12 shoe and I should be wearing a size 10.5!
making the progress that I have been making! Coming from a guy that has NEVER spent more than $30 – $40 on a pair of shoes, I can tell you that I experienced an entirely different type of step today. The wonderful pair of shoes I had been wearing weigh than twice what these shoes weigh and feel nowhere near as comfortable for walking! After getting home, I took a quick 1.3 mile walk in them so that I could get an immediate feel for them. I literally felt like I was gliding as the cushion, which adds to my height substantially, absorbed every step and my feet began to develop a new relationship with the harsh pavement that has been beating the hell out of my feet and ankles!
passing morning and the beautiful songs of the birds in our neighborhood that continue to remind me that warmer weather is on the way. The added activity of squirrels and bunnies also help to create the scenes that reassure my soul that the chilly days of Winter are limited.
involved in the process of a step actually is. HOLY MOSES! Learning to lose weight or how to exercise should come with its own Bachelor’s degree. Seriously!
in on the halfway point of the first phase of the weight loss competition. I know I just started with Young Living, but everything that I have used from them has been amazingly effective. The money-back guarantee and a weight loss product from them were too much for me to resist… especially when you look at the awards for winning the competition!
Essential oils have been something I have been toying with over the past year. I’ve used mainly lavender and tea tree oils. Despite having some minor success, I wasn’t experiencing anything to write home about. So, as Jenni and Amy shared their information, I stayed planted on my phone… researching how to prove them wrong. After they got done, I even looked at them and willingly asked their first question. Per my recollection, my question was, “Y’all know this is bullshit, right?” I’m relatively ashamed of my thoughts and opinions and my QUICKNESS to dismiss something before giving it a solid chance. However, I’m completely ANTI-HIPSTER FAD/NONSENSE. To me, that’s all this oils crap sounded like.
my family’s wellness and weight loss goals. I have taken pictures and utilized Fitbit to track these changes for myself. The success I am having is not somatic… it’s real. I have no shame in the fact that I have joined Young Living. The ONLY product I have ever spent money on is products that I have wanted to try and I have experienced significant success with EVERY SINGLE ONE. The only storage that I have built is the products that I don’t want to run out of because they have become vital to my everyday life.