It’s been awhile… again. I guess, by now, you have figured out that I drifted away from blogging. To myself, I denied it. I would tell myself how busy I was or give myself excuses, but there were moments of clarity. Moments when the denial was cracked by a brief glimpse of truth. These were moments when my honest thoughts would provide a ray of honesty into my existence and my denial would be challenged. Simple moments when I realized I had time to blog or should create a blog and I simply had no desire to do so.
This exactly matched my pattern of drifting away from the healthy eating patterns that I had been pursuing so strongly. In May, I became much more lax and ceased working out. So far, in June, I have given up any pretense of healthy eating patterns. Unfortunately, I have given everyone the opportunity to say I’m just like every other failure at weight loss. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Those people that announce they are going on a diet, start having a little success, talking about it constantly, and then give up without ever really talking about it.
Why did I stop? Well, there are a lot of excuses, but no good reasons. It’s honestly difficult to try and come with something that is creative and new each week. Also, it’s a lot of work after a busy week of counseling, life responsibilities, and teaching about essential oils, to come home and find the energy to type out a blog. Not only is there finding something to blog about, there’s making the perfect graphics, creating the an eye-catching title, launching the perfect Facebook post, etc. All to wait and see how people respond to your creation. Too short? Too long? Okay? Perfect? Amazing? 10 readers? 4,000 readers?
Those are some good excuses, aren’t they? Great! I can play a victim to circumstance and difficulty and go on without a second thought. Right? It’s my pattern. Okay, then, why did I stop losing weight? Was I too busy to work out? Yes. Struggling through windows of bad allergies and back pain? Sure. I have tons of excuses, but I honestly lost the biggest majority of my weight through eating patterns alone. That nullifies all excuses because the eating patterns were cheaper and would help me continue, or at the very least, maintain my weight. Damnit! This creates an area where I can’t excuse the behavior and move on.
I crashed. Hard. All my worst coping mechanisms showed up and I struggled for a couple weeks without even really understanding why I was crashing. One night, as I was driving home, my internal dialogue lead me to a place of evaluating this situation and I stumbled upon a thought. This thought seemed much bigger than me. A thought so true that I needed to share it here even though it would require me swallowing my pride and being more real than I ever cared to…
As I was having my internal discussion, I realized this is about the third time that I have gone through this cycle. The first time, I went from 350 to about 340 and I crashed. The second time, I went from about 400 to 330 (I thought) and crashed when I realized my scale was broken and I was actually just under 350. This time, I started my cycle at 450 and I got down to ACTUAL 330 (327) and stopped again. Why would I keep doing this? I know what is next… I slip and make excuses for big meals and cheat snacks until I’ve gained all the weight back and all the pounds brought friends.
So… You ready for the big reveal? The real reason I quit my blogging and my weight loss? I’m stuck in this cycle because I’m living up to my perception of my potential. Once this thought hit me, I googled it and found this:
I was right. Though I never watch Dr. Phil and know absolutely nothing about him, I was seeing confirmation of what I was thinking. In order for me to press forward in this journey, I was going to have to change my perception of what I deserve and what defines the best or highest potential for me. Unfortunately, this revelation was happening at a time when my best friendship was falling apart, I was missing personal goals for my essential oils business, and my life seemed to be defined by situations that only confirmed the opposite to be true.
So, I just sit on this truth and continued to allow my backslide to happen. Each week, I committed to change, but never intended to follow through. That all changes now. I am committing to myself that I am going to change this. Not because my friendship has healed. It hasn’t. Not because I’ve reached my big goal with my essential oils business. I haven’t (though I have hit good goals). Nor because I have been the recipient of some major miracle or visit from an angel to remind me that I’m God’s child and worth the very best this life has to offer. I haven’t.
I think the only thing that has changed is my realization that I have lived through these things before and I have survived. Not my friends that stood by me. Not my family that loves me. Not my wife that is always there for me. I have survived my life. I am good enough – even when I don’t feel good enough. I am worth it. I deserve better. I am worth the very best in life and deserve every form of success that I may encounter in this life – even if the people around me don’t seem to believe it, either.
I know I haven’t lost this battle unless I continue to remain on the ground and allow myself to continue being defeated. That’s not what’s going to happen here. Not for readers, Not for family or friends. For me. I can’t lose sight of that or my green personality will torture me back into a position of defeat. It’s time I rely on my red side to drive me even when it doesn’t feel comfortable and I don’t really want to.
There are no pictures and there will be no weigh in posted. This blog is as raw and real as it can get and I’m just going to leave it as it is… and that is good enough for me.